“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
#Caturday
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP