Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
You Might Also Like
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“what that mouth do?” complain
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.