Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Noah was an idiot.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.