god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
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isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
is this how new cars are made??
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.