Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS