Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
You Might Also Like
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Only short people can save us
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone