Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
You Might Also Like
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.