I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song