Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
meanwhile over on facebook
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Worst bar ever.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.