Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.