Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The three genders
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison