If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.