Think I pulled my liver
You Might Also Like
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.