My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My Plans 2020
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
bro what is going on at twitter
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.