Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
bad news gang
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.