I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
when dads have a rap battle
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”