“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Best spoiler warning ever
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there