People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
You Might Also Like
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Flowers bee like
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”