When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.