#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
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Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
This was a bad idea all around
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.