When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck