I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.