5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Usage Guidelines
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.