What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*