If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
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[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
They did not miss in the small print