I like donuts.
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
a lot to unpack here
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!