Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?