Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
favorite tropes as memes
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.