The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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That earthquake could have been an email.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you