I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Goodnight 🐶
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.