There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
You Might Also Like
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late