Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
So glad we cleared that up
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?