nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
You Might Also Like
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”