It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.