MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.