I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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never forget
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
This woman is my idol. Free her.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.