My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Nothing to do, you say?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you