In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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Need WebMD
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes