Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk