SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
You Might Also Like
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
can you read it!!??
maan!
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.