Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers