The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
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United Steaks of America
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”