The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I’m not lazy
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
as is their right
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
What even happened today?