ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
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the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch