Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Pot warmers of the day.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.