If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
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*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.