FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
You Might Also Like
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I laughed at this way too hard.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’