Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Lol
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man