had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“i am a sweet baby”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*exercises sarcastically*
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping