Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
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My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.